Recap - Day 2 of INSANITY - or... I wish I was dead.

Im almost too tired and sore this morning to type.  I make the most horrific sounds when Im trying to stand up or walk down the stairs.  Don't even get me started about going to the bathroom.  I think I scared the cat this morning when I sat down ( fell down ) onto the toilet.  Seriously! This is the most sore I have been in I don't even know how long.  And.... Im working out again every night for the next 4 nights / 60 days in total with like 7 rest days. 

The workout last night was hard.  Plyometric Cardio Circuit. We didn't even really do the last set of exercises it was alot of pushups, pushups with bringing your knees in and then kicking back out, plank with running or mountain climbers as I know them, and other forms of torture I have apparently forgotten already.  And.... when I stepped on the scale this morning i was up like 3 pounds - so I was 176 this morning!  WTH? 

Im supposed to be increasing my food to around 1800-1900 calories a day & eating 5 meals throughout the day.  I haven't been able to go grocery shopping yet so I am starving right now, am on my 2nd cup of coffee & only have an apple here with me at work.  Im going to need to head to the store at lunch to get something to eat for sure today.  Then again tonight to get the items needed for pre-planned meals the rest of the time until next payday. 

Im going to now go very slowly into a corner and cry. 

FML - DAY 1 OF INSANITY..... Fitness Test

Have I mentioned before that when I decide to do something, like exercise, I can't just work into it slowly and do something moderate working up to a normal exercise routine.  Nope.  I decide to start Insanity Workout!

WEIGHT is currently 175-172 depending on the morning and the previous evenings bad food choices.

If you are not familiar with the Insanity program - it is the 60 day version of P90X but with more cardio and jumping around. It is meant for people who are already in shape ( does round count? ) to push them into a ripped, stronger, hard body.  Not meant for a somewhat active ( if you consider an occasional jog or walk active ) individuals who still have a few extra pounds they are carrying around.

DAY 1 - FIT TEST.  Monday September, 17, 2012

If the fit test is any indication of how the rest of the program will be, I am in for a world of hurt. 
We began with a warm up of jumping jacks, heisman moves, knee lift things.  This had me winded.  Then we begin the Fit test - this is to be completed every two weeks so you can judge where you started and how far you have improved.  Each move is completed as many times as you can in a 60 second increment with a minute rest time in between each move.

This is how I faired:

Switch kicks                   32

Power jacks                   28

Power knees                 45

Power jumps                 12

Globe jumps                  6

Suicide jumps                7

Push up jacks                 5 girl p/u

Low plank oblique        28

Morning, Tuesday September 18th.

OMG I am so sore. My legs - my abs - my chest/shoulders - everything that could possibly hurt does.  And I am supposed to do my first "real" workout tonight.  Im very scared to say the least. 
Im wondering if it would be ok if I maybe take this first week of the program and spread it out over two weeks just so my body doesn't break or go into shock from being over worked?  I could always go for a little run or bike ride tonight instead.  Is that cheating?  Am I wussing out already after barely ONE workout? 

Ok, so after further discussion with D - We are doing this in its entirety.  No quitting after only doing the Fit Test!  I have read some blogs and other online posts about the program.  And, what everyone keeps saying is just do as much as you can and rest as often as you need to.  Sounds simple right?  So when I get home from work tonight we do the "REAL Day 1 workout"

Wish me luck!  I hope to be able to type tomorrow so I can update you on my progress. :) 

Getting back on the horse......

172 this morning !!!  I can put the weight back on in like 2.2 seconds but it takes me what feels like 3 weeks to lose it again.

Why even after losing 30 lbs am I still not happy with how far I've come?  All I keep hearing in my head is " That's great BUT you still have 15-20 more to go and you know how hard that is going to be.  Let alone if you get to goal - How are you going to keep it off and not F*** up like you always do? "

Everytime I had a setback in the past I just end up saying F*** it and go on some carb & fat overload bing and next thing you know Im back wearing my fat jeans.

What I am trying to figure out now is why can't I focus on the positive things that I have done so far?  Why am I unable to take a compliment without kicking it back in the face of whomever said it?  "Oh thanks, yes i have lost some weight,  but i have 15 or more so to go so I can't be happy until that happens. "  D always tells me the main reason he never compliments me or says anything positive about how I look is because I negate his comments the second he says anything so it's just easier to not say anything.

In my head I am still heavy and In my head I am not worthy of compliments and In my head Im not sure if or when I will be happy with myself.

Can someone please tell me how I can start to feel better about myself? 

Post Birthday update

My time spent back home in Omaha was good.  I saw a lot of friends, had some cocktails, ate some seriously yummy yet bad for you food & didn't do a bit of exercise the entire time.  I did however realize that I HATE the weather there.  I think I had a headache 95% of my time spent awake while there, from said weather.  But I do  miss my friends and love going back to see them.

Friday night after landing I got my car and drove over to Kelly's house to hang out with her and her daughter Tierney.  After receiving some disappointing news about my plans for Saturday night we proceeded to get drunk on wine and smoke a few cigarettes.  I haven't smoked in over 2 years.  It was disgusting but i felt it was necessary given my state of funk.  Saturday morning came waaaaaay to early due in part to a 4 year old resident and my friends bedroom has got to be the BRIGHTEST FREAKIN ROOM I have ever woken up in.   Happy Birthday to me.  Breakfast was delish at the ole Village Inn - I did well and had 2 eggs over easy, 2 pieces of bacon some wheat toast and OJ..... & then I was off to treat myself to a massage.  OMG I so needed that.  I really should schedule those more often. Fast forward to that afternoon spent swimming with my friend and his son and then watching the Husker game.

Birthday dinner Saturday night with Sheri, Kelly & Traci was fun. Tapas and Sangria!!!!  Paella is so tasty I need to figure out how to make this myself.  ( i think i put myself into a carb coma because i could not drink anymore that night & found myself with a raging headache )  (( can you get a headache from eating carbs when you haven't been eating them - something to research i think ))

Sunday was spent trying to find a swimming pool for me to get some sun and cool off.  I ended up going out to the water park at the lake by myself and enjoyed a little downtime.  Labor Day party at Alex & Keri's was fun - good to see everyone and hang.  I am reminded at these functions how far I have come and how good I am doing.  The thing about the midwest is that you are not surrounded by a lot of healthy options or beautiful mountains to hike or trails to run.  It would be easy for me to fall back into the bad eating habits and laziness that comes with hot humid summers and bitter freezing winters.  Everyone I see - not just people I know - but random people at places we go are overweight and unhealthy looking.  The only thing people seem to do for entertainment are go to the bar and drink.  I just can't do that anymore.  Yes I live in one of the fittest cities in America per Forbes article.  So it does help with motivation to see everyone around you active, fit and healthy.
I did breakdown Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon and had Runza - It was soooo good.
Flew home Monday afternoon after having lunch with Theresa and her son for her 40th birthday.  And met the family for my belated birthday dinner at Benihana .  AWESOME!

TUESDAY MORNING WEIGH IN.....  

I was not looking forward to this at all.  The scale Friday morning read 170 & the scale that morning read 175.6  AAAAGGGGHHHH.  How the hell can I put on over 5 pounds in less than 4 days? 

I am so disappointed in myself and this is usually where I quit - I get frustrated with the setback and just say Fuck it and continue eating like crap.....  Then next thing you know I am back to wearing a size 16 and miserable.  Oh the joys of my weight cycle / depression cycle.  Not this time I am telling myself, and you.  I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO FUCK THIS UP!  I am so close to goal that I can taste it yet it seems so far away from me.  15 pounds now turns into 20 pounds needed to hit goal.  Insert me in the fetal position crying to myself in the corner.  OK now that Im done with the pity party I can plan my goals for this week. 

It is Thursday - I will eat on track from this point forward.  I will do at least 30 minutes of exercise each day.  I will plan a hike for this wknd with whomever will go with me or just go by myself.  I will remind myself daily that I am the only one who can lose the weight for me, No one else can do it for me So I shouldn't rely on anyone else to get me out of the house and doing something.  I need to go to the grocery store tonight also - I am so out of food it is not even funny. 

Im hoping that with planning and that being aware of my moods and not letting them control my life that I can get back on track and drop some more weight.

LMFAO

I was reading my friend Scott's blog about a recent race he finished and clicked on a link to From Fat to Finish Line and started reading some of the stories of the participants.  I clicked on Lealah's blog and started reading.  I really enjoy reading other people's blogs about weight loss, running, healthy eating, etc....  I am going to steal this video she posted because it seriously made me laugh my ass off.  It is so true and while I have absolutely NO desire to run a marathon I know people who do this for fun.  So it really is funny to me. 

Started exercising again....

2 days ago I mentioned that I started to run again.  And I went again last night.  Mallory decided to come over with her dog and join us.  She has a 7 month old Blue Heeler that needs some running.  We didn't get far but did a little run/walk for about 1.5 miles I guess.  It wasn't as easy as it was the night before - I was a little disappointed.  And today Im a little sore in the calves and back areas.  Another reminder that I am not as young as I think I am.  I really hate when I am reminded of this.

I might go again tonight, haven't quite decided.  I have to do laundry, start packing for my trip this wknd, finish editing some photos and get the disc's mailed out.  So I will try and sneak a 30 minute run in if I can.

And I will be heading to Omaha this weekend to celebrate my birthday with some good friends!  And help celebrate my friend Theresa's 40th Birthday !!!!!  I turn 42 on Saturday, September 1st & T turns 40 on the 3rd.  This is the first time in a long we have been able to celebrate our birthdays together.  And the opening HUSKER game is also Saturday!  Woo Hoo !!!  GOOOOOOOO BIIIIIIIIIIG RED! GO BIG RED!  I may not have mentioned this in past posts but I am originally from Omaha Nebraska and a huge College Football fan ( ie. Huge Husker Fan ).  It is a cult following, it is all we have, it is born into you that you must love the Huskers.  And my good friend from High School, Alex is having his annual Labor Day party on Sunday the 2nd.  Big Wknd.

THE PLAN --

I still have to be aware of my food intake and watch the alcohol intake as well.  Friday I land around 8:30pm will get my rental car and head out to Kelly's house to stay with her and her beautiful 4 year old daughter Tierney.  She has already commited to feeding my something healthy once i arrive.  And wine.  ;)  I think I am going to try and hold off on any cocktails until Saturday night though.  In the morning we are getting up and I might suggest a little yoga since Kelly teaches it on occasion. Then we are heading out to take some photos of Tierney.  Lunch.  Then the Husker festivites begin around 1 or 2 with some friends at the bar.  This will be difficult to not eat the super yummy super bad bar food and drink a ton of beer.  The goal is to stick to vodka and tonics.  No bar food.  And wait until dinner that night to eat some good food.  We have reservations for 7pm at Espana . Should be about 5 or so of us and I am super excited to drink some Sangria and eat some Tapas. 
Sunday will be a bit more difficult - Alex's party starts around 4pm and they provide the main food and frozen margaritas!  We just have to bring a side dish and any beer or alcohol we want. Im planning on going to this with Traci.  I am thinking I should definately eat before I go and bring vodka/tonic or just do water. 
And I leave Monday at around 3pm.  Getting back to Denver around 4pm MST.  And back to no drinking and exercising and eating "normal". 

IM SOOOOOOO EXCITED TO SEE MY FRIENDS THIS WEEKEND !!!!!

Issues......

Ok - I really suck at remembering to write on this and update, hmmmm No One,  on my progress.  I really don't think anyone reads this but me.  Oh well, I find it therapeutic at least. 

Work has been crazy busy.  So I don't have any time to leave my desk during the day and am either taking files home to work on or so tired after a crazy day to really want to do anything once Im home.

I have been off of the HCG shots now for about 3 weeks I think.  Been bringing my calories slowly back up to a somewhat normal amount.  I figure ( because I don't actually know ) that Im around 1000-1300 calories a day now +/- .  And, drum roll please...... My current weight as of this morning is 171 pounds !!!  Down 29 pounds to date.  Im really trying to get my ass in the 160's by this wknd.

I feel great, I think Im starting to look pretty good, I had to go buy some new jeans !!!  My old ones are falling off practically.  I actually went for a quick run/walk last night with my dog Dazey who is a 10 year old Golden Retriever, and was amazed at how easy it seemed this time.  I realized that the last time I ran i was about 30 pounds heavier than I am now.  A light bulb went on when I ran a bit longer than I normally could and wasn't nearly as out of breath as I normally would be at that point of the route I take.  It was AMAZING!  I can't wait to go again tonight, without the dog - I think I may have worn her out more than I should have last night.  :)

My daughter was kind enough to send me a photo of the two of us at her high school graduation in May 2007.  I was mortified.  I do NOT remember being that big.  And the first thing I thought of was not how far I have come or how good I am doing now, but OMG that is the last time my ex-husband saw me.  SERIOUSLY !!!  We have been divorced for about 18 years now.  WTF do I care what he thinks I look like.  I said I would never show anyone this photo but I figured I would post it as a reminder of what I don't want anymore.

"FYI you are gorgeous now, more beautiful than you have ever been & I'm so proud as to how far you've come. "  That was the comment attached along with the photo above on a text from my beautiful daughter.

I honestly have NO CLUE what I weighed back then, nor do I want to know.  Im going to assume it was well over 200 though.  We will just go with that.  And who told me that shirt was flattering on  me.  That person needs to be shot. 

I had some stalls in my weight loss efforts in the past week or so.  Funny thing is if you search "constipation" in google -- DISCLAIMER...  STOP READING HERE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HERE ABOUT MY CONSTIPATION ISSUES... --  it comes up with the top causes being:
Medicines - especially antidepressants.... I have been on antidepressants since approx. 1997
Stress - did i mention I am a mortgage underwriter?
Inadequate activity or exercise -  500 calorie a day diet....
Low calorie diet - see above
Low starch or fiber diet - see above

I have tried everything.....  Laxatives, stool softners, fiber pills, enema's....  you name it I have tried it.  Until someone mentioned my Grandma Florence's favorite thing to offer us if we had a tummy ache - PRUNES or prune juice.  Low and behold ( or not to hold... ) it worked.  Thank the lord above & Grandma Peirce.  Relief at last.  I seriously dropped 2 1/2 pounds that day.  In like 45 minutes.   Now i have never been what you would even consider as "regular" so I dont see anything wrong with going 4-6 days without "going".  But I guess this is somewhat of an issue.  So now that I am back eating a fairly regular amount of calories per day, exercising again and eating more fiber Im fairly confident I might conquer this issue.  I am now really paying attention to my diet and how much fiber, carbs, fat and protein I am eating each meal. 

I will post another updated photo of me later this week once I get my hair cut and colored.  It's a bit ragged right now.  Talk later.  :)